After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
