theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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