Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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