Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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