I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
