Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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