i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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