i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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