I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
