Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
