Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
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