That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
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