I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
