We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
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Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
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Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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