When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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