if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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