I think my fart just growled at me.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
