Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
