Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
