Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize
