I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
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