if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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