Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
We're too hungover to prance.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
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