I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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