I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
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The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
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I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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