I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
