My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
