This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
