I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
