I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
