And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
