Me too!
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
Randomize
