im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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