There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
