you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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