It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
