He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Text me some of your sweat
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
