i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
