When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
