I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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