Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Randomize
