somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
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