I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
My ATM looks so different sober.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Randomize
