probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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