Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Randomize
