is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
