Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
