Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
NoShamevember. You game?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Randomize
