just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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