And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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