I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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