a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
