I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
