Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
one two three fourrrrnication!
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
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I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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