One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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