please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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