saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
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My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
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every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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