so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
