my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
