I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
