I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
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