Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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