Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You are a genius and a whore.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
