I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
