Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
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